01-18-12
Parenting
Interview With Basil Brown MBACP
by Dominique Bowler-Brown
“There are no classes for people to learn how to become parents, we come into it with what we have”
– Basil Brown.
Parents get blamed for all kinds of things these days. From the unruly and sometimes scary behaviour of the younger generation, to the decline of discipline and education in schools. But how much are they really at fault, and is there anything they can do to turn things around before it’s too late?
I got a chance to talk to counsellor, and founder of River Counselling, Basil Brown about what he thought of issues around parenting, especially considering what will go down as some of the worst riots in Britain’s history involving children as young as nine-years-old.
Q. Break it down for me, are parents to blame to for what I can only describe as a generational malfunction which sees more violence and disregard for authority in young children than ever before?
Yes and no. The decisions we make in relation to how to raise our children are based largely on our own views, on how we were raised, how we value ourselves, who we are and what other’s think. The problem is that there are no classes for people to learn how to become parents, we come into it with what we have, and this means that there is bound to be a reflection of our own issues in our children. As a parents that’s not our fault because it can’t be helped, but it is important to be aware of it so that we can bracket our own issues so that they don’t negatively impact our children. From a counselling point of view, coming from a place where you care for and love yourself and are comfortable with who you are means you will be able to teach your children the appropriate ways to value. If you don’t do these things your children will pick up on them and emulate them.
Q. So what do you think is one of the basic questions parents need to ask themselves to be able to make a difference in how they approach raising their children?
One of the most important questions parents need to ask themselves is; what is my desired out come? If it’s to be friends with your kids then you will be teaching them how to be equals with you and not respect or listen to anything you have to say. If it’s for them to learn to be responsible adults then you will teach them boundaries, respect for authority and consequences and this will equip them to move out into society.
Q. Can you give me an example of one of the basic, everyday things that can lead to developing the wrong attitudes in children?
I see negative attitudes developed all the time in the levels of responsibility put on children who are too young to handle it. Even something as simple as letting children decide what they want to eat for dinner rather than telling them what’s for dinner. It teaches them to not trust mom and dad for what they need because they believe they are able to decide for themselves at an age where they have no foundations in knowledge or understanding of what is good for them. Giving children too much responsibility warrants all of mom and dad’s actions being questioned and needing to be justified because they believe they have a level of understanding that they are way too young to have achieved, and this creates an unsafe environment.
Q. So are you saying then that children should just follow mindlessly without ever challenging what they are being told to do?
I’m saying that if boundaries are put in place and the correct values are taught then children will learn what to question and what not to question. If the correct values are instilled early on then children will learn that they are supposed to challenge things to assist their learning, but they will challenge at the appropriate times in the appropriate way in the appropriate place. This propriety is a skill that is taught, not inherent. If children learn to follow mom and dad’s instructions and then ask questions later then not only will they be safe, they will also build a trust that says that they can talk to mom and dad about anything because they know better.
Q. What do you think is the most important tool for parents to have to prevent their children from becoming involved in things like the violence that London has seen recently with the riots?
One of the most important things parents need to do is set appropriate boundaries at home and follow through when these boundaries are tested and/or crossed. That means there needs to be consequences. People think you love your children by withholding discipline, they don’t realise that teaching your children the correct boundaries is loving them. Loving them in this way shows that you value yourself enough to mean what you say, to believe that you are capable of making decisions to protect and benefit your children, and by stepping into this role yourself, you are showing your children that you love and value them enough to keep them safe. If this is the behaviour or attitude that your child is emulating then they are more likely to value themselves and trust what they know to be right and wrong, and less likely to succumb to peer pressure and get involved in events like the looting and rioting that London has seen recently because they will know who they are. They’ve learned it from mom and dad.
River Counselling will be hosting a series of parenting support workshops over the coming months. For more information, please get in touch.
09-21-10
Understanding value
Ref: incident in Norwood where a teenaged boy was stabbed to death on his way to school.
It seems almost every other day there is a story on the news about teenagers killing each other. Counsellor and psychotherapist Basil Brown gives his insights into causes and solutions starting in the home and personal issues of value.
When incidents such as the stabbing in Norwood in July 2010 occur the most potent question on the lips of the media and parents is ‘why’? Why would a fifteen year old take the life of another fifteen year old? Don’t they see how precious and valuable life is, too valuable to be taken away in a moment of anger?
It is apparent in this generation that there is a lack of value of the self, parents, teachers, the law and life. This devaluation is met with a loosening of consequences, the results of which are witnessed in occurrences such as stabbings and the increase of gang violence in London. But where does this devaluation start?
It is clear that if you are unable to value your own life it is impossible to value others. Valuing yourself means knowing who you are and being secure in this knowledge, and this allows you to make smart choices because you have nothing to prove. This self-assuredness allows you to conclude that it is not what you do that makes you who you are, but rather you do what you do because of who you are. This means that being accepted by a certain group doesn’t create your identity or value, rather your identity and value are implicit regardless of others’ opinion.
In incidents such as the Norwood stabbing it is evident that where there is a lack of value and this is met with a lack of consequences. The attacker doesn’t stick around to see the life they’ve ended, they run. This elusion of responsibility starts at an early age if parents allow their children to live without consequences or allow them to choose their own consequences or believe that punishment for wrong actions is cruelty. This leads to children believing they have rights and entitlements but no responsibility. They don’t realise that by breaking the law you give up your right to choose, it becomes the state or authority’s right to decide what to do with you. This doesn’t change even if forgiveness if offered because forgiveness doesn’t free you of consequences. If you break the law and are sentenced to an allotted time in prison but are later forgiven by those affected by your actions you are not immediately released from prison. Although you may be released from the shame of your actions you must still pay the debt of time which can be used for reform and change but does not change what you did to put you in prison to begin with.
The appreciation of consequences starts with the understanding that ‘I can do what I do because of who I am, I have no control over the consequences’. This understanding starts at home with parents who set boundaries and consequences that are stuck to.
This can only happen if the correct hierarchy is in place within the home and both parents and children know that they are not equals. Children cannot be equals with parents because they lack the experience and knowledge, just as it would be impossible to be a professional sportsperson without the hard work and sacrifice. If children are allowed to be equals to parents they will be unable to place the appropriate value on themselves or others because they will develop a hyper inflated sense of self. This makes it harder for them to become employees, workers or students because they believe they have equal say in their assignments and disciplines. If children can learn from an early age that they are not equal to their parents but are subject to their parents boundaries and consequences they will in turn learn to take responsibility for their own actions because they cannot be responsible for their parents or bosses.
Counselling can help to establish healthy boundaries through self-evaluation. By enabling you to ask yourself the right questions, to realise what rules you have in place that help or hinder what you want to achieve, you can achieve the self-assuredness we’ve discussed. For more information or to see how counselling might help you email info@rivercounselling.com or use our request form. Someone will be in contact directly.
